Progress, not perfection.
I’ve struggled with perfectionism for as long as I can remember. As a kid, I wouldn’t hand in a school project until I knew it was absolutely immaculate. If I got a single question wrong on the spelling bee, I would run home, crying – sure that I’d disappointed my parents. Being an only child, I put a lot of pressure on myself to be good at everything and impress my parents to prove that I was worthy of their love. When I did well, I was rewarded and praised, so I took that to mean if I kept it up, I would earn their affection. If I did anything less than perfect, I felt like I was letting them down and they would reject me – which was the worst feeling in the world and I would avoid it at all costs.
As an adult, this perfectionism still haunts me. Even though I know now that my parents will love me no matter what, I still dread disappointing the people closest to me – my coworkers, my boss, my friends, my family, and my romantic partner. If I feel like I can’t deliver the perfect yoga class after my mentors have invested so much time and energy into my learning, then I am a failure. If I can’t cheer up a friend who’s having a rough week after she’s been so great at picking me up when I was struggling, then I don’t deserve their friendship. If I don’t act a certain way in my relationship, I feel like my partner will move on to someone better. I feel like love has to be earned. And often, I don’t feel like my performance is worthy. I’m scared to death of people finding out that I am a fraud – and consequently being rejected and left behind for someone else who is legitimately awesome. When I chase the perfection carrot, it’s like being in one of those dreams where I’m running down a hallway that just keeps getting longer as I try desperately to reach the doorway at the end of it – I’m exhausted and the tunnel never ends. In real life, the doorway is other people’s approval and the assurance that I’m good enough. But as long as I keep running – keep trying to be perfect – the doorknob stays just out of reach.
Most issues that we humans struggle with can be boiled down to the same basic fears: being unloveable, being unworthy, not being good enough, or being rejected – and I think that perfectionism is so pervasive because it seems like the answer to many of these fears. “If I’m the perfect girlfriend he won’t leave me,” or “If I am a rock star at work I’ll prove that I deserve to be there,” or “If I host the most amazing dinner parties and keep the most immaculate home my friends will think that I’ve got it all together and won’t see my flaws.” Any of this sound familiar? The reality is, what we may think is keeping us safe from our fears is actually costing us peace, connection, ease, and satisfaction. In order to gain approval, I’ve often worked myself into a panic, lost sleep, canceled plans, and created a deep dark hole of self loathing out of the smallest of blunders. We all screw up, make mistakes, and forget things. It's part of being human. Perfectionism is a trap, not a way out.
So when I catch myself spiralling into the perfectionism trap, getting down on myself for every misstep, I remind myself that I deserve love and happiness as much as anyone else. I deserve love on the days when I burn through my “to do” lists, get to the gym, manage to eat healthy, nail my yoga classes, and generally kick a**. AND I deserve love when I sleep in, leave my car lights on, stub my toe, binge watch Netflix, and eat Chicago mix for dinner. The worst case scenario (I lose my job, my relationship ends, my friends reject me) hasn’t happened yet, and even if it did, so what? Chances are it wasn’t meant for me. The real question here is if I can forgive and love myself unconditionally, and carry on - to shift my vision from getting it right to making a contribution: a perfectly imperfect legacy of service and love.
The road to becoming the best version of ourselves is not a straight line. It meanders, dips, goes sideways, has potholes and detours, and sometimes feels like we’re going backwards. Growth is the most important thing. Progress is the goal, not perfection.